Anger is a natural human emotion and can be a healthy response to perceived threats or injustices. However, a lot of people have difficulty with this emotion.
A major problem when it comes to anger and getting help with anger is that people do not know what anger is. Anger is an emotion. Emotions are an internal experience and emotions are not behaviours. Anger is not yelling, screaming, shouting, aggression, being out of control, being verbally abusive or being violent (these are all behaviours). Anger is: knowing in your mind that you are angry; feeling hot and strong in your body; and, having the urge to engage in aggressive behaviours. Emotions are ‘feeling states’, behaviours are ‘doing states’.
Often when people say that they have an issue with anger or anger management what they really mean is that they have difficulty internally tolerating and regulating anger or other emotions, because they can’t internally tolerate nor regulate their emotions they vent them out in the form of aggressive behaviours. That is, the aggressive behaviours are how people are getting rid of or avoiding having an internal experience of emotions.
Another way of thinking about this is the difference between being hungry and eating. Hunger is a feeling state (and some researchers would say that it is an emotion while others would say that it is not) made up of sensations like a pit in the stomach, sense of dehydration, low blood sugar, and it includes an urge to eat. Eating is the act (behaviour) of consuming food. Most people have had the experience of feeling hungry without eating and under most circumstances feeling hungry does not cause them any anxiety. They also don’t have a lot of difficulty internally tolerating and regulating their urge to eat (if you do have difficulty with tolerating hunger then I might be able to help you as well). Assuming that you don’t have an issue with hunger, you want to be able to internally tolerate and regulate your emotions the same way you do your hunger.
So most people come seeking help with ‘anger’ because they are confusing anger with aggressive behaviours.
Aggression
Aggressive behaviours are occasionally the helpful/healthy response. For example, if someone is physically attacking you sometimes the best thing to do is run, sometimes the best thing to do is to try to placate the other person, and sometimes the best thing to do is to fight back. But most of the time aggressive behaviours are just a type of avoidance behaviour and engaging in aggressive behaviours or violence is incredibly unhelpful.
Issues with aggressive behaviours might also not be due to issues with anger. Sometimes people lash out with aggressive behaviours to avoid sadness or guilt, or really any emotion that they have difficulty with.
So working on issues with aggressive behaviours means figuring out why the aggressive behaviours are occurring and then getting comfortable with whatever the aggressive behaviours are trying to help your mind avoid.
Getting Help with Anger and/or Aggressive Behaviours
I work with a lot of people who have difficulty with internally regulating and tolerating anger. So if you have difficulties with the emotion of anger don’t hesitate to reach out.
However, if you have a difficulty with impulsively engaging in aggressive behaviour I am not the person for you. I work on my own and if you have any significant concern that you might engage in aggressive behaviour then it is not safe for me to see you face to face.
If you have any serious history of violence/aggressive behaviours then I cannot take you on.
If you do not have a history of violence/aggressive behaviours but are concerned that you might lose control then we can often go forward but it is something for us to discuss. Sometimes we start off with online appointments and see how we go.
Symptoms of Problematic Anger and/or Aggression
Signs that you might have difficulty with emotions and are using aggressive behaviours to avoid them:
- Outbursts of aggression or rage
- Frequent irritation over seemingly minor issues
- Difficulty calming down after getting angry
- Verbal or physical altercations
- Strained relationships due to your behaviours
Services and Resources to Help You with Anger
Here are some options that might help you manage your anger. What works varies from person to person, so feel free to explore several approaches.
It is important to know that for some reason a lot of mental health services/professionals never seem to have opened a book from the field of emotion science (you might say I feel angry about this) and the definitions and the way that they talk about anger are out-of-date (in some cases decades out of date).
It is also important to know that a lot of the resources that are relevant to anger and aggressive behaviours fall under the category of ‘emotion regulation’.
Some information sheets on anger.
An inpatient program to help with emotion regulation.
Has an anger management program according to their website.
Has a self-help module on anger.
Beyond Blue Support Service
Beyond Blue offers free, 24/7 counselling for people experiencing depression, anxiety, or mental health challenges. Their counsellors can provide advice, emotional support, and practical strategies to manage low mood.
MensLine Australia
MensLine is a 24/7 service offering free counselling for men who are experiencing emotional or mental health difficulties, including low mood and depression. They provide professional support and practical advice.
Kids Helpline (for young adults up to 25)
Kids Helpline provides 24/7 free counselling for young people up to 25 years old. Their qualified counsellors offer support for managing low mood, depression, and other mental health concerns.
I hope this information helps you take the first step toward managing your anger and enjoying a more fulfilling life.
